One of the things that I’m going to miss the most is this river, even if you do risk mutations from it since the water is probably radioactive.  Some of my best memories were made on that river.  I don’t want this to be the end, but I really don’t know what else to do.  Money is tight and I need more hours at work or a second job.  After I got mono and acute hepatitis, I was set back to square one athletically.  Given that mono was my body’s way of telling me I was doing too much when I wouldn’t listen to anyone else, I realized I needed to drop something.  I can’t drop school, because that’s what I’m here for.  I can’t drop my job, in fact I need to gain a job because my dad can’t afford to keep me financially stable when he can’t even pay the bills at home.  I’m trying to work more and save up for an apartment next year so my dad doesn’t have to pay for my living expenses anymore.  He would never ask me to give something up that I love and have put so much time into, I just feel like I need to for him.  He’s given me everything and I need to take a load off of his shoulders, considering school is what caused his financial strain.  I’ve tried to work every possible scenario out in my head to make it all work, but I just can’t. Unless we gain 8 more hours into our days so I can sleep, it’s just not going to work.  I feel like a quitter because I can’t handle it all. I haven’t told anyone on the team except for my coach because I’m scared of what they’ll think of me.  I’m scared that they will think of me as a quitter, like everyone else who has walked away from the team.  I’m scared they’ll think I’m doing it for the wrong reasons.  It’s a decision I’ve been battling with for awhile and it’s not even the decision I wanted to come to, I just feel that there’s no other way.  I’ve even had nightmares about it.  It’s bittersweet, though.  I love the sport, I love the team, and that I will miss.  I will miss the sunrises, the jokes, and the close knit family.  However, I won’t miss the stress, the constant strain, or the frustration of not getting to do other things that I love.  I wish that I could make my life revolve around the sport, like some of the girls do, and I admire them for it, but I just can’t.  I can’t commit to something when my mind isn’t fully in it or when I have all of these other things going on that I need to worry about first.  I’d only be cheating myself and the team and I’m not going to do that to them because they deserve better. I’m hoping that maybe come fall my situation will change and I’ll be able to go back, that is if they’ll take me back.  Mostly I’m just hoping they all understand where I’m coming from when I say that I need a break from it all.  

One of the things that I’m going to miss the most is this river, even if you do risk mutations from it since the water is probably radioactive.  Some of my best memories were made on that river.  I don’t want this to be the end, but I really don’t know what else to do.  Money is tight and I need more hours at work or a second job.  After I got mono and acute hepatitis, I was set back to square one athletically.  Given that mono was my body’s way of telling me I was doing too much when I wouldn’t listen to anyone else, I realized I needed to drop something.  I can’t drop school, because that’s what I’m here for.  I can’t drop my job, in fact I need to gain a job because my dad can’t afford to keep me financially stable when he can’t even pay the bills at home.  I’m trying to work more and save up for an apartment next year so my dad doesn’t have to pay for my living expenses anymore.  He would never ask me to give something up that I love and have put so much time into, I just feel like I need to for him.  He’s given me everything and I need to take a load off of his shoulders, considering school is what caused his financial strain.  I’ve tried to work every possible scenario out in my head to make it all work, but I just can’t. Unless we gain 8 more hours into our days so I can sleep, it’s just not going to work.  I feel like a quitter because I can’t handle it all. I haven’t told anyone on the team except for my coach because I’m scared of what they’ll think of me.  I’m scared that they will think of me as a quitter, like everyone else who has walked away from the team.  I’m scared they’ll think I’m doing it for the wrong reasons.  It’s a decision I’ve been battling with for awhile and it’s not even the decision I wanted to come to, I just feel that there’s no other way.  I’ve even had nightmares about it.  It’s bittersweet, though.  I love the sport, I love the team, and that I will miss.  I will miss the sunrises, the jokes, and the close knit family.  However, I won’t miss the stress, the constant strain, or the frustration of not getting to do other things that I love.  I wish that I could make my life revolve around the sport, like some of the girls do, and I admire them for it, but I just can’t.  I can’t commit to something when my mind isn’t fully in it or when I have all of these other things going on that I need to worry about first.  I’d only be cheating myself and the team and I’m not going to do that to them because they deserve better. I’m hoping that maybe come fall my situation will change and I’ll be able to go back, that is if they’ll take me back.  Mostly I’m just hoping they all understand where I’m coming from when I say that I need a break from it all.  

Notes