I just got back from alison’s 21st birthday party and on the car ride back steve was telling me that meeting alison’s family felt like he was meeting my family more than he did when he actually met MY family if that makes any sense at all. then i started thinking, it’s so true. in one night, he just met more of my best friend’s family than he will probably ever meet out of my own family even if we’re still together five years down the line. in fact it would probably take a wedding for him to meet most if not any of my extended family. i see alison’s grandparents more than i see my own, i see her aunts and uncles more than i see my own, i probably even know some of her cousins better than i know some of mine. it sucks, it really does. my family used to be so close, then somewhere down the line it got lost. over the past year i’ve been trying to put it back together and i’ve realized i’m really going to have to take it upon myself if i really want to make it work. i’m terrified that my grandparents on my mom’s side of the family are going to die and i’m not ever going to be able to see them again. or that i won’t even know about the funeral (since i didn’t find out about my uncles death until 2 weeks after the funeral). or my only cousin on my mom’s side will get married and i won’t even know. the worst part is, the last time i saw my cousin was 7 or 8 years ago. i asked my dad when i would see him next and my dad said “at each other’s wedding.” i thought he was kidding, but i’m starting to think he was serious considering my cousin is probably now 26 years old and i’m only six months shy of 21. it’s just hard to take it upon myself to see them when i hardly have the time or the money to travel to see them while i’m in school. all of these what if thoughts are just circling in my brain right now and all of these repressed feelings and thoughts have now been recovered after talking about my extremely messed up family with steve.
i guess i should try and sleep.
